Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
