Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
