All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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