Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
