i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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