this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
