A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I want her autograph on my taint
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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