thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
