You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
