Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
