My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
