Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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