At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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