Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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