it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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