You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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