Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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