I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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