My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
try to milk me bitch
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