I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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