okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
