If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
