I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
