I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
