Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
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Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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