Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
