Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
