In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
