I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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