Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
