i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
