if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
