She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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