she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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