Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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