Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
