im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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