do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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