I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
