He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
