Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
