So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
