You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
