Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
