My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
