maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
