I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
