Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
