yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
