On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
