ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
