She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
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I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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